The Aftermath
by jesslovescastle
Summary: What will happen to Castle and Beckett, in the aftermath of "47 Seconds?"


She sat there, at her desk, trying to make sense of what had just happened. Normally, Castle never turned her down for a drink or something to eat after work. Sometimes, he was even the one to suggest it, knowing they both needed to unwind from the stress of the case. But this time, it was different; he was different. Turning her head, she glanced towards the elevator, catching one last glimpse of him, before the doors closed, taking him out of her view. She let out a sigh, as she leaned back against her chair, closing her eyes. Ryan and Espo had already left, now Castle was gone too. For once, she was all alone. And she felt completely alone. Something had happened in the last few hours, yet she didn't know what. She felt as if she was out of sync with Castle, which only happened when his theories were completely absurd. Even this felt different than that though. Pulling herself together, she got out of her chair and dragged her feet to the elevator. Maybe everything would go back to normal tomorrow, after they both got some much needed sleep.

But that night, she didn't sleep at all. She laid in her bed, tossing and turning from side to side, reliving the entire past few days. The explosion had taken the lives of people, unexpectedly. They all had dreams, they all had plans in life. And then suddenly, it was all over. It kept her thinking about her own life and the things she kept putting off, that she was still putting off. She wanted to tell him a few days ago, but every time they got a moment alone to talk, it was interrupted. Castle had told her they'd talk after the case, but when it was all over, he told her it wasn't important. How could something that seemed so important before, suddenly change in importance? She had felt, deep down inside, that it was about them. But then, he changed, without any explanation why. It wasn't the bombing that was keeping her up, or the thoughts of her life suddenly ending without the chance to do or say certain things. It was the way Castle's behavior had seemed to change in the last day. And the fact that it only seemed to be towards her made it even worse.

When the sun was up, she showered, got dressed, and immediately started drowning in coffee. She knew she would need it, to get her through the day. So far, there hadn't been a call about any bodies dropping, and she was a bit relieved. She'd just head down to the precinct, sit at her desk, and bury herself in endless paperwork. Maybe, just maybe, she'd forget about everything else. She knew that Castle didn't tend to stick around when it was just paperwork, anyway. There was nothing thrilling about paperwork. And she knew better than anyone that he was a thrill junkie. From the moment they had met and he unexpectedly joined her team, he had been all about the cases; the more gruesome, the better; the bigger conspiracy, the better. He used to annoy the hell out of her, every single day. That was until she started to grow fond of his presence and they formed a special partnership and even bigger friendship. She had never expected what would come after that though. But as he had told her one time, the heart wants what the heart wants. And her heart wanted him.

When he arrived at the precinct, even without her calling, she found herself reaching for the coffee he usually brought her every morning. Except, this time, there was no coffee for her. She watched as he handed off a coffee to Ryan and Esposito, and for some reason that made her heart wrench. Something was going on. He didn't greet her, just stood and conversed with her partners, leaving her in the shadows at her desk. She couldn't place what she could have done that would have made him change the way he acted towards her. As far as she had known, everything was great between them. And a few days before, they had come close to confessing their feelings for each other. She got up from her desk, walking over to their grouping, and joining it. She glanced towards the writer.

"Hey,"

She said casually, pretending that there wasn't a huge elephant in the room.

"Oh, hi Beckett,"

He looked towards her, acknowledging her presence, before looking back at the guys and continuing the conversation they were having before. She stood there, trying to feel part of the conversation, but realized that there was no room for her in it. At least, by Castle's standards, there wasn't. She slowly shrunk away, back towards her desk. She reached for her coat, feeling an ache in her chest, underneath the scar she wore, from when she was shot. She didn't want to be here right now. She couldn't be here, with him, when everything was so different. So, she left. She drove across town, until she reached the familiar building, where Dr. Burke's office was located. She felt as if she was having her first major setback, since the sniper case. This, however, had nothing to do with the shooting and nothing to do with her mother's murder. It had everything to do with her hidden feelings towards her partner.

She sat and waited, until he finished his current session, before she could see him. She didn't have an appointment, but she knew he'd take her anyway. He always did, when she needed to see him. They talked for a long hour, about everything from the Wall Street bombing to how Castle was being different now. Still, she was unable to make sense of anything. Dr. Burke had suggested that maybe Castle had finally moved on and she waited too long, but even that didn't explain his changed behavior. She didn't like the idea that he moved on, either, even if she had a good feeling he didn't. Castle was the type that boasted about everything, especially if he was sleeping with someone. She would've known that by now. Even if he didn't tell her, Ryan or Esposito would've definitely known, and mentioned something. Besides that, a few days ago, they came close to bearing their hearts to each other. Or at least, that's what she though. Maybe, she had become delusional. Maybe, she had pretended their feelings for each other had existed. Maybe, he never meant to tell her he loved her, as she lay on the cemetery ground, a bullet in her chest.

She reconsidered everything, as she drove back across town, to the precinct. She stopped for a coffee along the way, since she hadn't received one like usual. She had begun to wonder if she had taken Castle completely for granted. The coffees, the insights, the feelings she thought he had... It all seemed to be gone now, without any reasoning for it. What had she done that was so wrong? She just couldn't place it. When she returned to the precinct, she found that Castle was already gone. She sighed in disappointment. Even if she had the courage to bring up their distance, he wouldn't stick around long enough for her to have the chance. She sauntered back to her desk, not even bothering to remove her coat, as she fell against her chair. A shadow cast over her and she glanced up, only to see Esposito standing before her. She already knew that he could see something was bothering her. She had given it away, her face the poster child for distressed, in that moment.

"What's going on with you two?"

Espo asked and she knew he had picked up on the bad vibes between her and Castle. The awkward way that Castle had alienated her in their group chat earlier had to have given it away to both him and Ryan. She sat up a little straighter in her chair, setting her cup of coffee on her desk, before glancing back at her partner.

"Why? Did Castle say something?"

She asked. It sounded better than a simple 'I don't know, Espo. Why don't you go ask him?' But still, it gave away the fact that she didn't even know what was going on. She also didn't know when it started, though it seemed to be yesterday. Her head hurt from the lack of sleep from the night before and the questions she couldn't answer.

"No. But Ryan and I couldn't help but notice how he gave you the cold shoulder..."

He answered, as he studied her reaction. He could easily read that she was torn over this. He knew, for the longest time, that she was in love with him, and that Castle easily returned those feelings. He never knew why they didn't act on those shared feelings though. On her hand, he knew how guarded she was, and how scared she was to let down that guard, with the chance of getting hurt. And with someone like Castle, the chance was greater. He tended to fall into bed with women all the time and had previous failed marriages. But still, he believed that a man could change. And he wanted to see Beckett happy for once.

"I don't know, Javi... I don't know..."

She told him, quietly, accompanied by a sad sigh, to answer his previous question. He frowned, wishing there was something he could do, but decided that anything he could say or do wouldn't help matters much. As he retired back to his own desk, he gave her a pat on the shoulder, when he passed her chair. She was grateful for his gesture, even if it didn't fill the emptiness in her. Her eyes wandered to the empty chair beside her desk. She wondered if the same body would ever fill that space again or if this was it for them. The second thought sent the remainder of her heart spiraling into the pit of her stomach. She was far from ready to let go of him just like that, as if it didn't even matter.

Days passed by with the same pattern of events. Castle would show up to work with her and there was tension between the two of them. Everyone could see it. Everyone knew that something had changed. Yet, no one, especially not Beckett, had been able to uncover what it was. The first day, Castle showed up at a crime scene, in his Ferrari, with another woman. Beckett had started to wonder if Dr. Burke was right, but when she didn't see the woman again, she knew it was just to get at her. Whatever she had done that was so wrong, Castle was completely pissed about it. So much, that he had began to act out, to spite her. It was nothing like when they first started working together and he had done things that annoyed her. Before, he didn't do it deliberately. He did those things because it was in his nature and that was who he was. Now, he was getting in the way, and trying to upset her. She tried to let it go, but the more and more it went on, the more she could see that it was her fault.

She decided to hide out at the precinct, while Castle went off with Ryan and Esposito to interview a witness. She didn't want to be around him right now and she had paperwork she still hadn't finished from the bombing. Gates was on her case about it, but she hadn't wanted to revisit the emotional roller coaster that particular case had began for her. It was after that case, that everything had changed between her and Castle. But still, work was work, and it had to be done. She stationed herself in the observation room, to be alone, and because she had to review some of the interrogations from the case. She was a damn good detective, but she couldn't remember every single detail from every case. The only one she could do that with was her mother's. But that was because of the fact it was her mom and she had been over it so many times. And still, she couldn't piece it together. It still remained unsolved.

"_I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it..."_

She wasn't really paying attention to the footage, until she heard herself say that. She glanced up, looking around the observation room, before staring into the interrogation room, on the other side of the double mirror. For some reason, she rewound the tape, and played back what she said again. She stood up from where she sat, completely aware of everything now. She touched the glass of the window, looking through, at the empty chair where she usually sat. She then turned, glancing around the small observation room again. It all made sense now. She just needed one more thing to tie it all together. She hurried out on the floor, just as Ryan and Esposito were coming back from their interview. She saw that Castle wasn't with them and she let out a heavy breath. When she reached the boys, they could see that she was bothered.

"Yo Beckett, what's wrong?"

Esposito asked and Ryan looked at her with concern. She knew the chances of either one of them remembering something so many days ago was rare, especially when it wasn't that important, but she had to find out for sure.

"Listen, I know this is going to sound stupid. But, this is important to me. So, I want you both to think really hard about this question I'm going to ask. Because it's important,"

She explained to them, rambling on and on. Neither one of them were sure what was going on, so they just nodded their heads in agreement.

"About a week ago, back when we were still working the Wall Street bombing case, while I was interrogating Bobby Lopez, was Castle in the observation room?"

She asked, watching each of their faces closely. If they were here, at the precinct, one of them would've known. She waited, her heart racing, as one of them finally parted their lips to speak.

"Yeah, he was,"

Espo told her, with a nod of his head. Ryan shrugged his shoulders, since he hadn't been present at the time.

"He showed up and found out we caught the bomber. I told him that he was in the box with you. And that's where he headed."

Beckett let out another heavy breath, pushing her hair back, when her thoughts were proven right. She had hoped that it wasn't true, that he didn't hear her confession, but knew that it was the only thing he could be this mad at her about. Now, she had no idea how to fix this. He knew she lied. He knew that she had really heard him say he loved her. And as much as she loved him too, she didn't know if that was going to fix the damage that was already done.

"I've got to go find him,"

She said, quickly, as she grabbed her coat from her desk, and booked it to the elevator. The guys watched her and didn't really understand what was going on. Still, they both could sense it had something to do with the friction between her and Castle. They just hoped that it wasn't too late for her to fix whatever had been done.

It took her forever to get across town. Traffic was horrible, which gave her a lot of time to sit and think about the outcome of this. He was already pissed at her. It was too late to take back her lie. She wasn't going to cover it up with another lie either. She had concerned telling him that she had only told that to Bobby, to get his confession out of him. She knew that would just end badly, when that lie came out too. It was time for the truth to come out. The whole truth, including her own feelings. When she finally reached his penthouse, she sat in her car, just trying to calm her nerves. What if he didn't want to hear her out? What if he didn't care about her reasons or the fact that she loved him too? What if it was really over for them? What if she missed her only chance? She felt sick, as she rode the elevator to his floor and dragged herself down the hall to his door. She almost felt herself turning back, but she knew it was now or never, and made a fist and knocked on the door. When it pulled open, she was face to face with her deepest fears and her biggest dreams; him.

"Can I come in?"

She asked him quietly, when he didn't invite her. She hadn't expected him to, considering the fact that they weren't on the best of terms. He didn't budge to let her in, either.

"Now isn't a good time,"

He told her instead. There was that cold shoulder again. She couldn't hear noise inside, so she figured that he was alone and just didn't want to talk to her. Still, she couldn't be too sure.

"Look, we really need to talk,"

She insisted, as she stood her ground, not ready to give up. If she gave up now, she knew they'd never have this conversation. She'd never be able to apologize, explain herself, and hopefully, just hopefully, fix this.

"Beckett, it's late, and I'm tired,"

He said, as he stepped back inside the penthouse and began to shut the door. She let out a heavy groan and knew the only way she could stop him from shutting her out.

"Rick, _I know_!"

She called to him, ashamed of herself for having lied to him, originally. She knew she could have been happy a long time ago, if she had just let herself. But, she had her reasons. And one of them was because of her mother's murder hanging over her head. She had only learned recently, that she would be okay, if she let go of the past.

The door slowly came open again and he stared at her, even though she was looking down at her feet. He didn't know how she had figured it out, but it was clear to him that she did know his reasons for acting the way he had been lately. He wasn't excusing her lie, but he'd give her the benefit of explaining herself. He had jumped to the conclusion that she didn't feel the same way about him and if that was her real reason, at least he'd have closure and could truly move on. She finally looked up at him, meeting his eyes for a long moment.

"Why did you do it?"

He asked her, softly, as he slowly looked away from her. He had told his mother that he'd be able to work side by side with her, and his feelings would just go away. But he was wrong. They weren't just going away and his heart broke the more he had to face her.

"Why did you take the coward's way out?"

Hearing him call her a coward, when he had the utmost respect and admiration for her really hurt, but she knew he was rightful in doing so. She could have embraced his confession, admitted her own feelings, and allowed herself to be happy. But instead, she hid like a coward, behind the lie she told and the secret that she kept.

"Because you were right about me,"

She told him, with a shrug of her shoulders. She could recall the time where he had scolded her about the way she was. She remembered it so well, because it hurt like hell, and was right dead on.

"I crawled inside of my mother's murder and I didn't come out. I hide there, the same way that I hide in nowhere relationships with men I don't love. I could be happy, but I'm afraid,"

She quoted, from when they had a fight, in her apartment, nearly a year ago. Even then, she knew he was right. She just never wanted to admit it. And then he dropped the 'I love you' bombshell and she feigned amnesia, to avoid dealing with her feelings.

"My mother's case has caused me to give up my own happiness. And I know that I told you that I broke things off with Josh, because I can't allow myself to be happy, until I solve it. But I know that's not the reason I broke up with Josh. I broke up with Josh, because you told me that you loved me, something I have longed to hear for so long now."

He listened intently to the things she had to say. None of it could change the fact that she lied to him. And some of it didn't make sense to him.

"If you wanted to hear that I love you, then why did you lie about it, Kate?"

He questioned, watching her closely. He knew she wasn't lying now. He hardly knew Kate Beckett to bear her heart like this. She was guarded, at best. She didn't just open up to anyone. And she hardly ever opened up to him either.

"Because I was scared..."

She explained, wondering if he would even understand. She let out a shaky breath, as she reached up, drying her glistening eyes. She looked back at him, seeing she had his undivided attention.

"I was scared that you only said it, because you thought I was going to die, and you might never have the chance to tell me you love me. I was scared that if I lived, you would take it back, or act like it was nothing. And then, when I lied to you, you never mentioned it again, and I began to wonder if it was even real. Maybe, I made up these feelings I think you have for me, that I have for you. But then, when you found out I lied to you, you started acting different. And it hurts, Rick. It hurts like hell..."

For the first time, since he had carried her away from Montgomery, who gave his life to protect her, he watched as she started to cry. It was crushing to see someone as strong as her, who had been through so much, break down like that. He wanted to reach out for her, but he was still mad, and he was waiting for something else to happen. Something he had been longing for.

"I'm so sorry that I lied to you. It was wrong. I shouldn't have. I had my reasons, but I still hurt you. And for that, I am ever so sorry..."

She told him, as she tried to wipe away the non-stop tears that were pouring out of her eyes. It felt like someone was twisting her heart and ringing out all that was left of it, especially as he seemed to not respond to her explanations or her apology. She had committed the biggest crime, against herself, by keeping the secret for so long. And now she had to pay for it. When she finally recomposed herself the best that she could, she let out a deep breath, as she looked up at him. There had been so many times where she almost had to say goodbye to him for good. But this was finally, really it. For once, it wasn't on him. This time, it was completely her fault.

"I guess this is really it for us, huh?"

She asked rhetorically, as her glassy eyes trickled tears down each side of her face. She licked her dry lips, before going on.

"Not that it matters anymore... But... I just... I want you to know that... I love you too, Rick..."

She choked out, before bursting into sobs. She never wanted anyone, especially him, to see her cry like that, but in that moment she couldn't contain it.

"I always will..."

She managed to get out, barely a whisper, between her sobs, as she turned away from him. Her heart laid shattered, in a million pieces, on the floor, due to her own actions. She had always thought that he would be the one who would hurt her, which is why she guarded her heart from him. In the end, it was her, that hurt her.

She felt a hold on her wrist, pulling her back around, until she was face to face with him again. Her vision was blurred by her tears, but she still met his eyes. His hand cupped the side of her face, as the other thumbed away her tears gently. The moment he had waited for had come.

"It's not over,"

He told her softly, as he brought her closer to him.

"This is only the beginning."

Her heart seemed to sew itself back together from the millions of pieces it was before, as he brought her face to his, placing the most passionate of kisses upon her lips. She slipped her arms around him, pushing him back against his door frame, as she kissed him back. They both had longed for this moment for so long and it took a lot of heartache to bring them here. But now they were here, and neither of them planned on going anywhere.

He guided her inside the penthouse, somehow managing to close the door behind them. He was glad that Alexis was off interning with Lanie and his mother was teaching a night class. He scooped her up into his arms, never removing his lips from hers, as he carried her up the staircase, towards his bedroom. The anger and hurt he felt towards her for lying seemed to have subsided naturally, with the confession of her love. He was glad she returned his feelings and that she hadn't lied, because she was embarrassed. He was angry at himself, for ever jumping to that conclusion.

When they reached his room, he threw her against the bed, and it wasn't long until their clothes were scattered on the floor and they were between the sheets. They made love until they had exhausted each other entirely. He then held her close to him, in his arms, her head pressed against his chest. In that moment, they both let go of all the regrets they had leading up to now. They forgave each other and basked in the afterglow of the beauty of love they had come to finally realize. Kate made a vow to never let her mother's murder consume her happiness ever again. Rick made a vow to never hurt Kate ever again. They cuddled close, both of them drifting off for some much needed, long overdue sleep.


End file.
